I managed to go to Walmart by myself today. And I’m really proud of myself.
I had to psych myself up for about 2 hours beforehand, promising myself cupcakes afterwards (I was going for a few ingredients). It was terrifying, and my heart is beating like I just ran a marathon, but I did it!
As I got out of my safe zone, my car, and began speed walking towards the entrance, a car began to follow me, which really freaked me out. It didn’t need to follow me- I was at the side of the road and the rest of the lot was clear. I turned to glance and noticed it was a young man, which just made me walk faster. It was really creepy. (And part of the reason I usually wear baggy clothes. I hate being looked at.)
When I got inside, I swear everyone was looking at me. I didn’t even grab a cart or basket, racing straight to the baking isle and frantically grabbing what I needed. I checked out as quickly as humanly possible and booked it back to my car.
What is a normal, everyday thing for someone without social anxiety is a nightmare for me. I was terrified for the whole time in there. At one point, I’m pretty sure I was hyperventilating. I was on the verge of throwing up the entire time, and I can only be thankful that no one attempted to talk to me. It makes me disappointed in myself that I even consider this a step forward, because this shouldn’t be hard. But I deserve to be proud about this. I deserve to acknowledge this step forward for myself. It was hard, but I did it, and that means a lot to me. I still have a pit in my stomach, but I didn’t die and now I can go make therapeutic apple cider maple cupcakes.
Happy Fall, and happy shopping!