The Nature of Our Love

Hello all! Happy Tuesday. I hope you had an excellent start to your week. Mine was really busy, but I managed to get everything done on time, thank God.

Today I get to do some flattering. Flattering not only of myself (my choices in men, more specifically) and flattering of my lovely boyfriend, who is called Clark. We’ve been together for over a year and a half now, and got together at the very beginning of our freshman year of college. We were that stereotypical lovey dovey freshman couple, but unlike the others (who have pretty much all broken up by now), we have stuck together. It’s been hard, don’t get me wrong, and it’s made even more difficult by my previous relational dysfunctions, but he’s been worth it.

Before Clark, I was a stupid high schooler. I got great grades, did extracurricular activities, and volunteered, but I was emotionally stunted (that’s a story for another post, though). I hopped from boyfriend to boyfriend in an effort to feel some emotion, honing my skills of charm and attraction. I left a trail of destruction, tears, and broken hearts behind me. (That may be an exaggeration. Point is, I dated around a lot.) I know, I was kind of an asshole (to guys) in high school. I’m ashamed to say that I objectified most of them, and used them for my own emotional gratification. When that initial spark of excitement left, so did I. I was an emotional whore. I got itchy feet around the one month mark, and then left them in the dust. My longest relationship was six months, and that was only to prove to myself that I could stay longer than a month. I was pretty awful, relationships wise.

Then Clark came around. Gentle, sweet, large, attractive, and very attentive, I was drawn to him from the moment I saw him. We were inseparable from the day we met, up until now. We fell hard and fast for each other, and Clark is the first guy who I have said “I love you” to and actually meant it. Anyone who knows me knows this is just huge. I have a very difficult time feeling any emotions whatsoever, and whatever ‘love’ I felt before Clark was a fleeting flicker in my heart, quickly dying. Ironically enough, I said I loved him in the middle of an argument, but that actually kind of makes sense, since my passions run high while arguing. Poor guy. I bet I confused the crap out of him.

Since having been together such a damn long time, we know each other pretty much inside and out, but there is still so much left to learn. I know Clark loves Jello, and he likes to eat pasta with soy sauce(!). He likes to takes his showers at night and has a zillion cute little moles all over his body. He hates his feet and loves mine. I know he eats about 3 times what I eat, and doesn’t show any of it. He snores a little when he sleeps, and has a way more developed fashion sense than I do. He’s sensitive to me, but completely oblivious to any other girls. He’s too cute for his own good- I’m still very much attracted to him, which is a first. He’s everything I want and more, and I feel so lucky.

The times haven’t always been good. We disagree on several topics, including (but not limited to): evolution (I’m a Christian Darwinist, and he’s hardcore Creationist), abortion (I’m pro choice, he’s pro life), and sometimes feminism. We debate about these things from time to time, and usually they get heated. It’s usually my fault, because I get passionate about these kinds of issues, and then I let things escalate. It’s something I’ve been trying to work on. He’s good at listening to me, even when he thinks I’m wrong. I’ve even been able to change his mind on some topics. Despite that, sometimes we have to take a break for a few days to cool down. Communication is hard between us sometimes, because I communicate well over text and internet, and he prefers phone calls. Long distance wreaks havoc on the harmony in our relationship. It’s something we both are working on.

He provides a ton of emotional support as I work through my emotional issues and my sexuality. He was the first person I told when I realized I was bisexual, and he was totally fine with it. He treats me exactly the same as he did before he knew, which is a relief. He holds me when I cry, and tells me how well I’m doing, in school, in life, in progressing my thinking. He is the epitome of supportive, and I try to be supportive back, but it’s really hard. Sometimes I fail, and then I feel so much guilt. I had to learn how to be supportive from him, and he’s better at it than I am. He respects me as a human being, too, and that’s one of the things I adore about him.

Sometimes I feel like he deserves more in a girl. I tell myself I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, similar enough to him. I beat myself down. He can tell, and he always lifts me back up.

We’ve changed so much together, and grown together. Clark makes me a better version of myself, and taught me how to love. He gives me an outlet for emotions, and helps me put my compassion for humanity into words. He’s precious to me, and I love him so much.

He’s such a big part of my life that he needed his own post here. Sorry it was long! Clark inspires me.

-Thanks for reading! Rachel


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