Today, I had a friend breakup.
It had been on the horizon for some time, exacerbated by lack of communication and flawed character traits, from both myself and her. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would, I felt more relief because this ex friend of mine hadn’t done me right. And I let her.
I must take responsibility and shoulder part of the blame because I never spoke up about my feelings when uncomfortable situations occurred. I complained to Clark and some of my closer friends when my ex friend would plan something with me, and then ditch me without so much as a sincere apology. I made excuses for her when she basically took something of mine, and ‘forgot’ to pay for it (until now, nd that’s only because my sister spoke up about my feelings of frustration and resentment). I brushed off her half truths about money being tight despite knowing that she has champagne taste. I listened patiently when she had relationship struggles, and never gave her real advice because, honestly, she intimidates me.
I was as much to blame for this as she was. And for that, I owe myself an apology. I should have cut off the friendship when it became clear that I was being taken advantage of, and that this girl had no respect for me, our friendship, or my time and money. I tried to justify her behavior to myself despite the fact that I knew it was wrong, and I never spoke up for myself until today, and even then, it was after prompting from my sister. And I have to say, it feels like a weight from my shoulders. I should have done this ages ago. I held back because I felt the need to try to be kind to her despite her character flaws that made her a bad friend to me. I abstained for the rest of our friend group, but I neglected myself in the process. This will not happen again. I don’t care if it makes parties awkward, or makes waves- I deserve to have loyal friends who I know will not try to manipulate me, guilt trip me or take advantage of me.
I am making a promise to myself to not let anyone take advantage of my compassionate nature again. I spend so much time speaking up for other’s rights and advocating for decency that I forgot that I deserve the same respect from my friends and those that I surround myself with. I failed to note how much time and energy I was spending over worrying about this stupid, fruitless friendship when I should have been spending quality time with my other great friends and my family. And now I’m kicking myself for feeding my anxiety disorder with this girl’s antics.
Don’t make the same mistake. Friendship is a two way street, so invest in people that will invest in you. Spend your time with the people who love you, not people who want something from you- emotional gratification, money, favors, whatever it is- if they have an angle, leave them in the dust. Life is too damn short for me to waste my precious time with insincere people, and I understand this now.
I don’t like to call it quits on anything, because I’m stubborn, but I can’t save her or fix her, and I was drowning myself in the process. I refuse to be a doormat in my own life anymore. I hope she has a great life, because I know mine will be amazing, especially that now I don’t have to walk on eggshells.