I have a slightly shameful confession to make. My boyfriend and most of my friends already are well aware of this, but it’s not usually something I broadcast to the world because of my own insecurities.
I have baby fever. Bad. I’m almost 20 years old, and I have intense, crazy baby fever. It’s weird, I know. I get all sorts of weird mental things coming out of this, actually. I have a love/hate relationship with my Paraguard IUD. I usually cry when I ovulate (and that is usually surprisingly painful). And also when I have my period. I tend to mother my friends (sorry guys!) and I also mother my boyfriend (sorry, Clark!); they are all nice enough to put up with it and not say anything. I’m also secretly really envious of one of my friends, who is my age but has a darling child. These are all sort of creepy, but not necessarily bad- but I’m not done yet.
I actually have a deep, paralyzing fear of being infertile. Again, I’m just under 20 years old- I really shouldn’t be worried about this. But it actually keeps me up at night. It’s one of the main things that helps to feed my anxiety. School also feeds it, but that isn’t as bad, because at least I can change my circumstances through studying- infertility is something that I am unable to do anything about directly, and that freezes me with fear. I regularly stress about it, which probably isn’t very normal, and sometimes it brings me to tears.
I also make everyday decisions with a few things in mind. I make decisions based on what would be best for my kids, and what will help me fulfill my mission. These two driving forces basically motivate my entire existence. That’s why I’m so quirky, and refuse to do a lot of the things that other college students normally would. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke anything, I hardly ever go out (although that’s more of a social anxiety thing), I take care to make sure I am safe, and I won’t go out if I don’t think I am protected. I have only ever slept with one person, Clark, because I know certain STI’s can transfer over to my children. I’m actually going to college because of them- I want to provide them with a good life, and college is a great way to get a good job so I can support them. I’m going to be a teacher because it helps me with my mission, and will allow me to be home with my kids and still hold down a job. I have chosen Clark, who I know will be an amazing father, to be my lover- father material always goes before fun or attractiveness. I practice with other kids to make sure I have a bit of previous experience before I jump into motherhood (although I’m well aware that babysitting and actually having a child are extremely different). I don’t ever make decisions without thinking about the two drives that are the most important in my life.
I know it isn’t smart to have children right now- it’s inconvenient and not a good idea, and I definitely need to finish college first. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting. I’ve got a soul for this. I’m overflowing with love and compassion and empathy. I’m soft and warm and perfect for comfort. It breaks my heart to be unable to have my children right now, but I know it’s for the best. I keep telling myself, only a few more years, but that doesn’t really help much, honestly. It’s a little bit depressing, because there is nothing I would like more than to have a baby of my own to love.