I found my first collar yesterday.
I hadn’t thought about it for years, and didn’t even realize it was a collar until I saw it. A little bell on a ribbon, before I even knew I was a sub. Before I even knew I was a pet.
I nearly puked. My first love, Angel, gave that to me. When he left, I was devastated. I was pathetic. I am ashamed to say I begged. Unknowingly, I had chosen my very first owner, who discarded me. It honestly still hurts.
My owner now, Clark, told me that it was my choice if I keep it or not. He knows I’m devoted to him. I love him with everything that I’ve got. He thinks it’s cute, but he still doesn’t really know the full history behind that little trinket.
I also loved Angel with everything I had back then. Which wasn’t a whole lot. Which is why today, if I saw Angel, I would be able to turn my back on him like he did on me. I am stronger now, and I know Clark isn’t Angel. But it still hurts a little, to know that I was rejected, despite offering up everything.
I have a better owner now, but it still sickens me to think of how I let myself be treated, as well as how I acted. I’m glad I grew up a bit. If I ever see him again, I can hold my head high now.
The jury is still out if I want to keep that bell and ribbon. It hurts to see it, but at the same time, it is evidence that I have been a pet for my whole life. Even before I knew it. Maybe I should keep it for my own sake, and remake how I see it. I can’t let Angel continue to drag me down. We will see. I will continue to talk to Clark about it and see what he thinks.