Only Up from Here

I’ve been feeling a bit better lately.

I still feel just a little hollow, but a bit of affection from Clark always helps. I also just received my replacement promise ring (I lost my original! Devastating!) and it is so beautiful. An independent photographer also has asked me to model for him. Modeling has always been a dream of mine, so I love that I get this opportunity.

I also figured out how to change my profile picture on Facebook and give it that rainbow filter. I love it!

I hope your day is going well.

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Is it worth it to try at this point?

I’ve been gone a while.

I guess I’m trying to reorganize my life. I’ve been putting on quite a show these days, and I think people are fooled, but I can feel my social anxiety worsening and the beginnings of depression. I’m bone tired of this pretense.

I’m starting to get numb again. Maybe a defense mechanism? I don’t know. All I know is mostly I feel small. I told myself I’d never let myself feel small again, back when I began picking up the pieces of my life, but it’s easy to say that and very hard to live. I feel insignificant. I feel like I don’t really leave a mark in the world around me, even though I try very hard to positively affect those around me. I feel a little bit defeated.

I just feel like I can’t rely on myself anymore. I feel..almost..fragile. Like I could be blown away by a puff of wind.

I don’t know what brought this on. I shouldn’t be feeling unhappy or unsatisfied or getting a permanent pit of anxiety in my stomach. My life is going well, but I just feel unfinished. I feel like I’m blurring around the edges a little, just fading out enough to make emotions uncomfortable.

Why am I so terrified of ‘normal’ things? I can hardly go to the grocery store by myself without having an anxiety attack. I can’t even feel comfortable in my own home now. I shut myself away because I’m afraid that someone will find me to be inadequate. I feel a little inadequate.

All I know is, my life is very close to perfect. But why am I not feeling good about myself? Why do I have to make things difficult on myself, right when everything is going well?

I have to try to find my own heart again. This can’t be right. I have to try to pull myself out of this dangerous downward spiral. I can’t help but feel a little bitter. Why do I always have these issues? It feels like it’s only ever me, and I really hate to burden my friends with my stupid problems, especially because it’s hard for them to relate.

I may need to recruit professional help.