I’ve been gone a while.
I guess I’m trying to reorganize my life. I’ve been putting on quite a show these days, and I think people are fooled, but I can feel my social anxiety worsening and the beginnings of depression. I’m bone tired of this pretense.
I’m starting to get numb again. Maybe a defense mechanism? I don’t know. All I know is mostly I feel small. I told myself I’d never let myself feel small again, back when I began picking up the pieces of my life, but it’s easy to say that and very hard to live. I feel insignificant. I feel like I don’t really leave a mark in the world around me, even though I try very hard to positively affect those around me. I feel a little bit defeated.
I just feel like I can’t rely on myself anymore. I feel..almost..fragile. Like I could be blown away by a puff of wind.
I don’t know what brought this on. I shouldn’t be feeling unhappy or unsatisfied or getting a permanent pit of anxiety in my stomach. My life is going well, but I just feel unfinished. I feel like I’m blurring around the edges a little, just fading out enough to make emotions uncomfortable.
Why am I so terrified of ‘normal’ things? I can hardly go to the grocery store by myself without having an anxiety attack. I can’t even feel comfortable in my own home now. I shut myself away because I’m afraid that someone will find me to be inadequate. I feel a little inadequate.
All I know is, my life is very close to perfect. But why am I not feeling good about myself? Why do I have to make things difficult on myself, right when everything is going well?
I have to try to find my own heart again. This can’t be right. I have to try to pull myself out of this dangerous downward spiral. I can’t help but feel a little bitter. Why do I always have these issues? It feels like it’s only ever me, and I really hate to burden my friends with my stupid problems, especially because it’s hard for them to relate.
I may need to recruit professional help.